who am i?
The answer to this question could depend on what I do. I’m an entrepreneur, content creator, dancer, writer, etc, but I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend.
The answer to this question could also depend on who you ask. To my friends I may be one thing and to my coworkers something completely different. It’s not because I’m not the same person, but they just have different access to me. It can become really confusing when you try to define yourself based on how others perceive you.
Trying to discover who you are without acknowledging Who created you is a recipe for disaster. Here’s why; you’ll be defined by your actions, you’ll be defined by other people, and you actually won’t have any identity at all.
One of the major issues in society today is that people are claiming the identity of everything but a child of God.
Who am I?
What is your story? How did you get here? Where are you going?
These are questions that I would ask myself often and never had the answer until now.
I was born in Baltimore, Maryland and I have lived there all of my life. I had two loving parents growing up and an older brother who I guess is pretty cool. I’m known as a “creative”. I love to make the things that I see tangible in some way whether it be through sight, sound, or touch, sometimes all three. I’ve been dancing most of my life. I have a passion for film and I also love painting, graphic design, music, theatre, etc. (basically any form of art). I have a BFA in Screenwriting and Animation. I have had a successful business or two, and my goal is to have many more.
I’ll be 26 at the time that this is published. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life, but overcame it through Christ Jesus. Jesus is my reason for everything. Through Him I live. This is the pretty basic synopsis of who I am and how I became who I am today. I’ve discussed all of this in greater detail on my previous blog posts so please feel free to read those.
I believe a large part of who I am becoming is derived from where I am going.
This time last year, I was gearing up for graduate school. I was going back for my MBA. I had a career path. I definitely struggled with the idea of going back to school. It felt like the next step logically. I love finance and I love learning. I wanted to grow a business on a larger scale than small. I felt like there was so much that I didn’t know about business, and the best part of all….it was basically free! When things are free, they tend to seem like the best option.
I did pray about it though and expressed concern to God. Going back to school never felt completely right. I told Him I was exhausted on all fronts. I had nothing else to give for school. I felt like I was on 10% and I definitely was. I plead with God in hopes that He would tell me I wasn’t supposed to go back. I questioned if this was His will. Long story short it was and I was going back if I liked it or not.
I remember feeling a way about a multitude of things. I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be spiritually. My faith felt like it was falling apart at the seams. I did not feel very purposeful. I felt stagnant. My job had felt like more of a burden than a resource, and I was not happy about school. However I obeyed God.
That Fall was not an easy time for me. I encountered intense sadness and hopelessness, a reoccurring theme throughout this entire year. I gave it a great effort. I believed that God had me there for a reason. I believed that His will would be revealed in time. My belief did not make life any less difficult. There were times where I would just zone out from reality and it would feel impossible to tap back in. My heart felt like it wasn’t beating. I did not have time to pursue creative passions. I had to quit dance for a while though I had tried to keep everything going. I was living an unbalanced life.
I had also just secured a higher paying job with great benefits. I hated my job so much. I felt so purposeless there. I’m not going to lie was having a hard time finding the connection between my job and Jesus. I felt like I knew what I was called to do and my job was not it. Of course any opportunity to minister to lost souls is great in any form in any place. However, I began to question if this was the best was the best way to live my life, in sacrificial pain.
God being the great parent that He is would never dismiss my thoughts but encourage questions. Questioning from a lack of understanding is always better than complaint. (We’ll go over the difference later).
So this was life, tired, broke down, sometimes happy though trying to hold onto joy in Jesus. I struggled to find satisfaction where I was. I finished my first semester of graduate school knowing that it was not the place for me. I didn’t do terrible. I didn’t do extraordinarily well in any class but one, entrepreneurship. My entrepreneurship class was the reason I kept going. I had been blessed with a really great professor. He didn’t teach by the book, but from past experience. He was so passionate about entrepreneurship and that was everything I needed. It was in this class I was pushed to think outside of my limits and question my own capability. This small and seemingly unimportant class is the place Jesus Keeps Me was born.
After this semester I knew what I needed. I would not return in the Spring, but I would embark on the journey of creating a brand, building a social platform, and discovering many new ways to be creative.
The beginning of the next year was not very comfortable to say the least. I had a decision to make, and it felt astronomical. I had to decide if I was going to quit my job or continue with life the way it was. There have been a few times in my life where I’ve felt like I was presented with two paths, and one of them always looks easier. One path always feels safer and more logical. The “easy” path never seems to have obstacles, and it never seems uncomfortable. I could have continued in my job, making the salary I was making, and began building my business on the side. This is the path that many people take and its nothing wrong with that when you are called to it, but I knew it was not right for me. I decided to trust God and believe that He would guide me through any decision and produce His will in my life. I quit my job in the Spring of this year.
Life felt good for the first time in a while. I don’t say that to say that I was completely miserable before, but there was a visible difference in the way I felt. I still praise God through it all. I also do not want to create the misconception that any of this was easy… IT WAS NOT! It was terrifying, but here I am months later with no regrets.
You’re probably wondering why I told you all of this. What does quitting my job have to do with who I am?
I know that I am not a job, and so should you. This testimony has nothing to do with a job defining who I am, but its about God using an experience to reveal to me who I was created to be. His definition is so outside of the parameters of this world. The world will continually try to put us in boxes especially when you are good at something. I am gifted in many areas so that was difficult. I was created in a way that the world did not see coming, and I believe that many people in my generation were created for such a time as this. We are different and we are unique. We think outside of the normal construct of society and I believe that God is using this everywhere. However there are many who will bend and conform to the standard of this world. They will go with whatever the majority says is right before forming their own thoughts and opinions. I believe that God is creating and building people who will stand strong and firm on His principles and His way.
In this series I went through my past choices that did not reflect God’s way, and how He brought me to a place of honoring Him. I went through the lies that I was being told and the truth I had to accept in Jesus. I went through how it looks when God will begin to pivot you and shift your life because you are completely dependent on the Holy Spirit. Why did I do this?
To glorify God for all that He has brought me through.
To answer the calling that He has placed on my life.
I am not alone in this.
