There was a time when I did not know myself. There was a time when I did not know Whose I was. There was time when I felt hopeless. It was a time full of darkness. It was during this time that I told God “I choose the darkness.”

What led me to this point?

What brought me out?

I am not going to make you wait for the answer to that second question; it was JESUS. He saved my life. He saved my soul. He filled my heart with the love of God and the Holy Spirit empowers me to live out life everyday. My life was almost stolen from me by my own hand, but God guided me through every storm, every trial, and every bad decision. He brought me to this point and is keeping me throughout. Now, I encourage others to have a relationship with the Father through Jesus because salvation is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

This world is temporary, and our lives are relatively short. However, this should not lead us to sadness. Realize that we are all here for a reason and the number one reason is God. He gives us choice. You can fill up your life with the treasures of this world, but those things don’t remain forever. Goals are great, even the financial ones, however it is not everything.

Jesus is everything.

Trigger Warning: In this blog I will be speaking about my experience with depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. I pray that anyone going through any of these things will find the strength that they need in Jesus.

Growing up, I had a pretty happy childhood. My family was and still is very blessed. We did not struggle financially and I wanted for nothing. I went to a Christian school most of my life. I guess you could say I grew up sheltered. I was relatively safe, but this did not stop the enemy from targeting my mind during much of my teenage years.

I would often find myself anxious about the future. I had many interests, but I did not know what I would become. There were many questions that I did not have answers to. Where do you want to go to college? What do you want to study? What do you want to do as a career? Where do you see yourself in ten years? I felt as if I was the only person who could not visualize their future. The only thing I wanted to do was dance, but I was discouraged as I began dancing at the late age of fourteen. I did not entertain the thought as it seemed impossible.

I had so much doubt in myself. It did not feel like I would amount to anything.

I began having panic attacks. The attacks would be triggered by deadlines or any type of stress. I actually began to resent myself. I did not understand why I was struggling so bad. I hated myself for not being in control of my future. My frustration continued inward until I decided I was incompetent in many ways. Eventually I began to question my existence. Why was I here? I felt like a waste of space. I even began to hate the way I looked. Next, I would question why I did things a certain way. Why couldn’t I be like everyone else? My mind would race and as a result my pens found themselves digging into my wrists and paper clips into my thighs.

Anxiety consumed me, swallowed me up like a black hole.

When I lost my dad, I was already in such a bad place mentally. I remember being so angry about life. Life felt like a burden because I was carrying so much pain inside of me. My anger turned towards God. I felt that He was the cause of all of this. After all I had grown up a preacher’s kid, I knew who He was or who He was supposed to be, yet my life did not feel like a life where He was present.

I decided that I would rather live life without Him.

I remember sitting in my kitchen one day. Swinging back and forth on the stool, I told God the one thing in my life that I desperately want to take back. I told Him that I did not choose Him. And though physically I was blessed, mentally I was decaying. I was hanging on by a thread and out of anger I cut it.

There is something you need to understand about the enemy. The devil is a liar. The lies that he spouts will target you, they can target others, but they will especially seek to diminish God. The goal of the enemy is to destroy you. There may be a promise of elevation in there somewhere, but he is incapable of love. God is the source of every good thing. So when you find yourself in a place where you are questioning life, perhaps you despise yourself, and maybe you’re wondering if God is who He says He is, its time to stop listening to the lies and start reading the truth.

It is so important to read the Bible. You may think that those few verses from Sunday school are all you need, but you need to read it daily.

The enemy also has a tendency to twist Scripture. There will be many things in life that sound good or even sound biblical, but they ultimately lead to the path of destruction.

I would like to break down and highlight some of the lies that I was hearing and combat them with the truth of the Scriptures. It is my hope that this would help someone else who may be in the same place I was.

I believe that the enemy sees our lowest points as an opportunity to force feed us lies. Those lies have the ability to take your identity if you let them.

God never said any of that. In fact, all of this is completely against His Word.

The transition from childhood to adulthood is already a vulnerable place. Its a place where you don’t understand things, there are new fears to be faced, and overall it can be very uncomfortable. Growing up is hard and its only getting harder as the world becomes darker. This is why it is so important to have light.

I was at a place in my life where I barely had any light. This was the time when my substance abuse got a lot worse. I was hanging out with the wrong people. Not only did I not have faith, but I also didn’t have priorities. I had no goals. That semester I had failed all of my classes and I was about to drop out of school.

One day, as I struggled in the darkness a little bit of truth got in. I heard the words,

“You have a purpose.”

These four words said by a preacher who did not know or even see me, breathed life into me. He continued on to say that, “God has a purpose for your life.” I didn’t know what that meant exactly, but something shifted in me that day. I believed him. I believed that God did have a purpose for my life.

It’s actually kind of funny. These words came through a video that popped up on my phone as I was sitting in the same spot in my kitchen where just a few short months ago I had told God I did not choose Him. It was almost as if He was casting a net and bringing me back.

After this I remember opening up my Bible for the first time in years. I remember praying and asking God for forgiveness. I submitted everything to Him. Looking back over this time period I am so thankful for God’s grace. I am so glad that today I know who I am, and this definition could only come from God.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. “He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.””

John 3:16-21 NKJV

I do not know what lies the enemy may have told you or how long you’ve been believing them, but there is hope in the TRUTH. I encourage you to read the Word for yourself. It will change your heart.

As you read, PRAY. Pray for understanding. Pray for relationship. Pray for what you truly need.

I personally pray that you GROW in your faith, and as you grow for God to continue to lead you and guide you.

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