what happened…
Becoming Who God Created You to Be is a three part blog series detailing parts of my personal testimony that led me towards purpose and calling. It is my hope that someone else can be helped or encouraged. I pray that we would all seek relationship with the Father by accepting Jesus as Savior, and being led by the Holy Spirit. God has brought me a long way through grace, and I am eternally grateful.
“What happened?”
In order to answer this question we’ll have to venture back to 2016.
I was in my Freshman year of college. Living at home, I would commute back and forth to campus. I was attending church regularly, after all my dad was my pastor.
I was introduced to many new things early on in college. Your parents can train you in the way you should go, but it is your decision to take your first shot of alcohol, smoke your first joint, and have sex for the first time. I had made all of these decisions by my second semester of college.
I wasn’t a terrible student, but I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I found myself constantly looking for answers. I endured heavy bits of anxiety as the future terrified me. I couldn’t easily visualize myself in a career. I knew I was creative, but a career focused in the arts did not feel like an option for me. I felt like I needed to make a living, and that would not happen with a career in dancing or writing. I decided on Engineering Physics.
As a child I always found ways to be creative. I wrote plays. I choreographed dances. I directed and edited videos. I was intellectual as well. I would joke that I was able to use both sides of my brain because I also excelled in math, science, history, and sports. I always had the freedom to explore different subjects and hobbies. I liked a little of everything. In college, I decided that multiple interests were a thing of the past. I made the logical decision to work towards a sustainable career, and I was miserable from it. My selected major was not a place of balance.
After only a few classes, I found myself falling into a depressive state. My grades did not suffer and I understood the material so I kept going.
It was midterm week. I didn’t have any questions about anything. I went to a few study sessions with my friends. We were all slightly worried about our Physics Lab midterm, but I was confident I would pass. I even tutored a few of my acquaintances. I had this in the bag.
I woke up the morning of the midterm and it was like any other morning. I went downstairs to grab breakfast and my dad greeted me at the fridge. We talked a bit. I told him he looked a little tired and should probably go back to bed. He laughed and insisted that he was fine. I watched him as he walked out the door, making a joke as he went. I grabbed everything I needed for the test and went about my business. When I came back that afternoon my brother and I were greeted by my mother and a social worker. My dad had suffered an aneurysm and passed away that day.
This day changed my entire life.
I remember screaming. It felt like I had been ripped from reality, and eventually I became numb. This numbness went on as the funeral came and went, as I completed my finals, and as I tried to continue with life. Every so often the numb feeling would leave and be replaced with uncontrollable crying. I could cry for hours, days even. The pain was deep and exposed. Somewhere in that routine I began to question God. I remember laying on my kitchen floor crying while listening to Shekinah Glory’s “Jesus”. I prayed that He was real. He had to be real.
I became bitter and angry at God. I did not understand why He would set up life like this. I was wondering more than ever before. I already didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and now I didn’t know what life was. I felt like God was not good because life did not feel good.
As a result of my anger, I decided I wanted to be everything that God was not. I even went as far as to tell Him I did not “choose Him”. I chose the darkness. I spiraled. I failed all of my classes. The little bit of faith I did have felt like it was easily washed away.
Suddenly, I was drinking a lot more. I was doing things I never thought I would do. I was sleeping with multiple people. Smoking felt like breathing to me. I had lost any remnant of who God created me to be. He created me to be sweet, creative, and free. I had become manipulative, controlled, and dependent. I sunk deeper and deeper until I barely recognized myself.
Looking back I know Jesus never let me go. I told Him to leave and I know He stayed because it could have been way worse. This time in my life reminds me of a verse I read recently.
“You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. ”
The first sentence really got me to the point of tears. He is a good Shepherd, because even when we didn’t choose Him, He chose us. I went as far as not choosing Him with my words, but the truth is many of us don’t choose Him with our actions. For some reason we find ourselves in a position to say that we don’t need God or we create a version of Him that fits our lifestyle. There is only one version of God; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
One day, I heard the words, “You have a purpose,” as I was watching a video. I was intrigued. I had never listened to those words before. The video then went on to talk about how there is a reason that God created all of us. The video itself was pretty vague on who God was and why we need Jesus, but those words were exactly what I needed to start my journey. I dove into the Word. For the first time ever I was reading, highlighting, and sharing verses. Mentally God was doing what He needed to do, healing me from the inside out.
The idea of having a purpose helped me hold on a little longer, but the concept could not sustain me. This is when I learned that purpose is nothing without Jesus and Jesus changed it all.
“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”
You cannot understand why you were created without the Creator, and you cannot get to the Father without the Son.
Once I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior it all made sense. I didn’t need to smoke or drink to escape, but I found complete freedom in Him. There is nothing needed past Him, and from Him everything flows. Jesus taught me who I am created to be.
It all started with Jesus.
