There have been many times in my life where I have felt this intense gut wrenching pain.

Now this “sadness” feels like it has no root. I’ve only abandoned God once which is one time too many, but a little while after I lost my dad I told God I didn’t choose Him. I told Him that I chose the darkness. This was because I didn’t understand.

I always felt like I had a good life so what was there to be sad about?

As I grew, it got harder and harder to hide my pain especially when I started going through a few things. When I was younger it was easy to hide because I was never challenged or exposed. When I lost my dad it all unraveled at one time. It was like pain plus pain equals suffering at that point.

I think how I lost my dad plays a huge factor in it too. The fact that I was the last one in my family to see him never really reconciled itself in my brain. The fact that I expected him to come back because he left completely fine never really reconciled itself either. My brain feels detached there. The fact that I asked him if he was sure he should go eats me up inside. And now I’ve also lost a friend in a similar way. The fact that I asked her if everything was alright, she told me yes, and then passed away resurfaced some pain in me.

I don’t believe that the enemy has the power to do things in your life unless allowed by God. Meaning I don’t think that he be out here allowed to just kill  people or even push you into a wall. I think he has been given permission to attack in the response. The enemy is often ready to target your response.

I struggle. I don’t know if it’s attack after attack after attack. I don’t know if those stop, do I live a life attack less? I always try to honor God in my response, but my issue comes in when I still feel SAD. Then I try not to “dwell on the sad things” and then it comes back. Then I have this constant struggle with pretending to be okay when I’m not.

I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.  This sadness has been like background music in my life just waiting for something terrible to happen to really be heard. I’ve been out of control before, but now not so much.

I’ve tried it all. People always say don’t let yourself get to that point so I don’t. People say you have the holy spirt so you shouldn’t be sad so I try not to be sad.

I guess part of my struggle is I don’t know if this is the enemy or me. I don’t know if I need deliverance, medicine, more therapy, maybe a mixture of all three. Then maybe I won’t be sad anymore. I guess the real issue is that I feel like I’m not allowed to be sad ever. And no matter how much I say to cast all cares and whatever else…I forget. Am I not casting them fast enough?

I don’t harm myself anymore. I’m not suicidal. I pray.

I’m just sad at this moment, and my being sad feels like it has no place in my life ever. If I don’t share then I’m chastised. If I’m too sad I’m not praying enough. I’m not hopeless. I’ve never once said God isn’t who He says He is. I love Jesus. I just struggle with so many feelings.

But I am learning. I am learning how to breathe. I am learning to bring something to the Father more than once, not because He failed but because I am dependent. I’m not done growing here. I don’t really know what this part of the journey looks like, but I know that God will never let me go. I feel that in my heart.