Psalm of an Almost Married Girl

The Lord has done a work y’all! He’s done a work in me, through me, and in spite of me because I am getting married in less than three months. The journey went crazyyyyy. This adventure was not an overnight thing. I hope to encourage someone by sharing my entire testimony, the good, the sad, the in between.

I don’t even know where to start. As a child, I assumed that I would grow up and get married one day. I had an amazing example in my parents so the union of marriage was normal to me. They were able to exhibit to me from a young age, an example of a healthy, supportive and loved filled marriage. It wasn’t until I got a little older that my positive outlook on marriage began to tether. In middle school I was often heard completely dismissing the idea of marriage and having a family. I would tell people that I did not want to get married or have kids. I had no desire to. What began to happen in me, is the same thing that is happening in a lot of young people today. You look out into the world and it sucks. The wars, the politics, the crime, the people…it’s kind of awful. “Why would I want to bring a child into this?”. Well how did I go from there to here? It was nothing but God.

Dating

I began to date in high school, looking back that was probably a mistake for me personally. I’m not saying that is a rule that everyone should follow, but I did not need to start dating when I did. Everybody else was doing it so I did too and I was an AWFUL girlfriend in high school. I didn’t understand the concept, and they didn’t really have a crash course on dating. I do not enjoy sharing space with others and this may come as a shocker to many of you meeting me for the first time in this blog or those of you who have known me for a while, but I did not even know if I liked men. Yea…. we’ll come back to that one. I was selfish. I was rude. I was still figuring things out with me and yet I was dating. For what reason? Because I was a teenager and that was normal.

I learned nothing from dating in high school so transitioning to college, of course it did not get any better. I was the type of girl that if you whispered any sweet little nothing in my ear, you had me. I was hooked! It didn’t take much to date me in high school or college. I had no real standard but “being nice to me” and sadly that standard only depreciated as time went on. As I continued down the path which would lead to eventual destruction, I began to introduce new spices into the mix such as sex and intimacy. I had no real standard for dating so you know I had not a standard for those things but attraction.

It didn’t matter what my parents had done or Who they believed in. I was building my own idea of what life should be. By my third year of college, the idea of marriage utterly repulsed me. I was disgusted by it. At that time I would say, that’s all life is? Getting a job, getting married, having kids, and then dying??? Booo! I’d rather not. I did not want that for myself. If you’ve been here long enough and read enough of my blogs, you know my testimony, but just in case you don’t. The condensed version is that God began to meet me where I was in 2018. Slowly but surely He began to release and unveil a lot of truth in a plethora of areas including marriage all through Jesus Christ. I know what you may be thinking, and it’s how did Jesus change this? What does He even have to do with this?

JESUS

I always had the opportunity of knowing Jesus. He was right there in my home, but I also had the choice. He didn’t bombard me and say you must follow me or die. I chose sin. I chose the things disguised as good, but were truly evil. I thought I knew better than God.

I had to accept that I had no idea what I was doing and that I was making a total mess of my life. After I decided to choose Him back, everything changed. He changed my heart and my mind. I could no longer be in relationships just because. God became my Definer for everything including dating, singleness and marriage. I couldn’t have sex so easily anymore. I now had standards, number one being if you did not have Jesus, you couldn’t have me. I still struggled but I was a different person. Everything was new.

Being Single

This is the part where it got easy right? I decided to follow God and now the hard part was over? NO. This is the part where I went from one extreme to the other. I’m actually embarrassed thinking about it, not to offend (but convict) anyone who may have some of the same thoughts I was having, but I was doing the most. Let’s talk about my singleness.

Being single today can be looked at as the ugly cousin of being married. I remember watching video after countless video about Christian couples how they met and how they got married. I remember hearing churches talk about marriage and they made it seem like when you are married you have made it. And I wanted to make it. Viewing life from God’s Word changed my prospective too. Living in today’s world I wanted that man, that partner in life, that dear I say provider. I was tired and retired from doing whatever. I was frustrated and didn’t understand the problem. I accepted Jesus. I skimmed the Bible about marriage. I had given up sex at this point so you know I was like alright God what are we waiting for??? I came up with this ideal man and presented it to God. I approached Him in prayer and told him that I wanted a preaching, farming (yes farming smh), and financially providing husband. In my head that took care of everything. If he preaches, he must believe in Jesus, if he farms then obviously we going to eat and that financially providing part speaks for itself. I ended the prayer by telling God I was ready to be a wife and a mother and let’s get this show on the road.

God humbled me sooo quick. I didn’t even have to wait for a response. He placed it in my heart as fast as I prayed it out. He told me that if He would give me that man right now he would become an idol. He told me that I made that man not Him. He also went on to tell me about myself. He told me that I was selfish. He told me that I had things that I needed to work on and He needed to work through me. He basically told me to go sit down somewhere and I felt like I had received a whipping. He was right. I’m still embarrassed to this day, but extremely grateful.

After this I did not think this man was coming till years later! I wasn’t mad at God for telling me the truth. I accepted it and was prepared to be patient and work on myself. So imagine my surprise when I ended up swiping on my husband to be exactly two days later. That story is up on my YouTube, but I did not see him coming at all especially not at that moment. I am so blessed for the man that he is too. He’s not a farmer, but he is more than enough. We’ve truly grown together through God, being led by God, and trusting in Him. Our long distance relationship hasn’t been easy, but being with him has been an enormous blessing in my life. I only know how to love him because God took His time with me.

Dating Again, Engagement, and Soon Marriage

I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs in my dating life, but this by far is the best relationship I’ve ever had. The most important thing is that God is at the center. When I was complaining to God about being ready to be married I think what He saw was that I was finally ready to date. I built these ideas in my head after watching and hearing what others did, but that wasn’t the story God had for me.

We took it slow, we didn’t get engaged in weeks. Honestly we did not even start dating until months after we met. I feel like I got a do over, and this time I had the chance to do it right. It hasn’t been perfect, but nothing we do ever is. We had and still have a lot to learn together, but we are willing to do the work. Dating my fiancé was amazing. We went on a lot of little adventures, ate good food, and enjoyed each other’s company. We talk A LOT. I love talking to him, he’s my best friend. We learned a lot about each other through our conversations. We know that we can talk to each other about anything and have come to trust each other immensely.

The road to engagement was pretty great. I can see how much we have both grown since our first date and it’s not just because of our relationship with each other but our relationship with God. Our relationship is the type of relationship that can only be appreciated in full once receiving the greatest gift of Jesus. Here’s why.

We didn’t learn how to love from the world. We didn’t learn how to love from watching movies or tv shows. We get all of our knowledge from His Word and are continuously led by His Spirit. If you don’t have God in your relationship then you are truly missing out. If He’s not in your marriage, that’s actually insane. Marriage should be defined by God as He is the One who created it. Imagine taking someone’s idea, making it your own, and then wondering why it’s malfunctioning. He sets the parameters. We submit to those parameters. It’s not always perfect on our end, but it is safe and protected on His.

The Psalm of the Almost Married Girl…

Let’s celebrate and praise God for wherever He has us. Let’s praise God for all He has brought us through. Let’s be satisfied with any gift that He bestows upon us. Let’s try to be real if we are not happy in our situation  bringing it to the Father boldly, and let’s accept what He says submitting completely to Him.

So now I know, marriage is not a loss of freedom. It’s a beautiful gift. I also know that marriage is not salvation. It cannot save you, it is not better than Jesus, it is not to be idolized. Marriage should not be viewed through the lens of ease or burden. Marriage is not better than singleness and singleness is not better than marriage. Marriage is something that I was called to and I’m going to respond to that call accordingly. I do take it seriously. I will love and respect my husband and most importantly I love and respect God.